It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
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Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.