Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

When my kids ask me anything before coffee

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

yes yes a thousand times yes!

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.