Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

If you know, you know

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

I’m having an out of money experience.

yeah 😭

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice: Hey!

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…

Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.

me: Beetlejuice…

Beetlejuices: please stop.

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.