Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).