It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
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STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.