It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
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Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Thursday Thought.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
what’s some good heavy machinery to operate under the influence for a beginner
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!