It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
You Might Also Like
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise