Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life

i now pronounce you bounced.

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?

Me: Great!

11: Want to hear it again?

Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos