It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
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Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I’m the neighbor
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”