It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
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The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
the council will decide your fate
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.