It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
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The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Rambo Rambow
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Best spot.. 😅
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”