It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
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Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit