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if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
My favorite farside!!
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
