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ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I want what they have
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
eating my hot dog hamburger style
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.