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[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
My neck, my back, my…
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?