it’s a van. how do they not know this
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I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.