it’s a van. how do they not know this
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Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
