it’s a van. how do they not know this
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“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Hey Fugeddaboutit
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.