“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I used the label maker
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
How does one answer this?
