“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Finally, a door that understands me
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
