“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
