‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
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Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
No way!
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
