Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them

criminal: oh no it’s lobster man

lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch

criminal: [takes out rubber bands]

lobster man: oh god no

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.