Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ

every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder

m’lady

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.