It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
how long have you had this for?
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.