It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
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Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
just leave it at the foot of the bed
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.