It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
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My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges