It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
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My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
😂🐈⬛
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
How did we not see this back then?
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.