It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
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I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
HR said no more nunchucks.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
me and the Superbowl rn
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
😾
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape