Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

look scared

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

The cake is mightier than the sword.

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist