It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
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“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian