Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

I’d hang this in my house.

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes

Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

it’s a van. how do they not know this

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.