Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.

“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

work smarter, not harder

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.