It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
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England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Fun Things
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”