It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
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Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes