It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
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Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.