It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
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Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
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My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”