Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”

They haven’t.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

Give us this day our daily internet validation

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.