It’s actually Dr. whatever
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Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote