It’s actually Dr. whatever
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dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Sing it!
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
this is how life feels
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
man: wait
time: no
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.