It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
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15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth