Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’d kill for your body.

Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…

Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”