It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

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Don’t ever forget the ‘L’ if you ever Google – Grandfather Clock


Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.


When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.


My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.


My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.


“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.


Yes you impress me. But so does a squirrel crossing a telephone wire.


Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor


Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?