It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
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My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
quarantine day 3
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Brilliant!
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
There are usually two types of merchants.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.