@donni

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

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@lizetagge

Don’t ever forget the ‘L’ if you ever Google – Grandfather Clock

@TheAlexNevil

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

@theDUDE___

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

@WilliamAder

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

@LetMeStart

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

@DanMentos

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

@AmnesiaRose

Yes you impress me. But so does a squirrel crossing a telephone wire.

@GeorgiaSweet20

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

@papasuncle

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?