It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
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Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
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[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.