It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
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the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
bury ourselves
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT