The easiest way to get rid of a ghost is to ask him for some rent money or to help with the dishes
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
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I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
If you’re desperately lonely, just look on the bright side.
At least you still have standards.
How to make pasta:
-Put what you think couldn’t possibly be too much pasta in the pot.
-Start an Italian restaurant.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher?
*girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.