@cluedont

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

- @cluedont

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I was all set to seize the day but this anti-seizure medication is a lot stronger than I thought.

@KenJennings

Landlocked countries with beach volleyball teams: who do you think you’re fooling?

@_Bad_Karma

HR says I’m no longer allowed to use Batman-style smoke bombs to sneak out of meetings because of some Health and Safety bullshit

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

@Cali_Kid_Mike

If you want a waitress to leave you alone for a half hour, tell her you need 5 more minutes to order.

@deanjthompson

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

@Jake_Vig

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

@s8n

You gotta love Jesus.
He’s born, you get presents. He dies, you get chocolate.

@DurtMcHurtt

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

@girl_a_whirl

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.