@cluedont

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

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@ScorpionDong

The easiest way to get rid of a ghost is to ask him for some rent money or to help with the dishes

@fuzzlime

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

@drayzze

If you’re desperately lonely, just look on the bright side.

At least you still have standards.

@CelebrityChez

How to make pasta:
-Boil water.
-Put what you think couldn’t possibly be too much pasta in the pot.
-Wrong.
-Start an Italian restaurant.

@Donna_McCoy

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

@Sal0630

Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher?

Me: Yup

*girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*

@BradBroaddus

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

@AmishPornStar1

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

@jonnysun

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

@KateWhineHall

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.