@cluedont

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

- @cluedont

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@mommajessiec

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

@UncleDuke1969

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

@runolgarun

saw someone spill their high end juice cleanse all over the sidewalk and now I know god is on my side

@annadrezen

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

@juliussharpe

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

@briangaar

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?