Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
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“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I wish I was getting half as much action as my neighbour’s lawn mower.