It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
You Might Also Like
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.