It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
i was baptized in a car wash
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
🧠
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
