Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

You had me at “define legal”.

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*