It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
