Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

January is lasting longer than my marriage

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in

Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice