its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
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I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.