its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
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Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
la cocaina
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*