its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
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My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour