its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
You Might Also Like
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Found my door mat
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*