It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
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what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
it was a valiant fight
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
one of
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy