It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
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When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
💀💀💀💀
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.