Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

I hope they boil the right one.

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

Breaking news:

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.