Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

happy valentine’s day to me

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

A fella staggers exhausted into his house.

“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.

“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.

“You idiot” says his wife.

“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.