Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

Who.
Did.
This?

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit