Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
It’s actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she’s not around to have it.
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*dog watching me feed cat*
-I honestly can’t remember the last time I had food.
-I fed you exactly 1 minute ago
-has it been a week I think it’s been a week
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Adam: This isnt so bad
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this
[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
[hands a flat-earther a frisbee] here’s a basket ball
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.