@Parentpains

It’s actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she’s not around to have it.

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@ThoughtOtter

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

@TweetPotato314

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

@Quartzjixler

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

@Chicken_Hawk38

All i’m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.

@1_swarthy_dude

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

@darksidedeb

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

@LoveNLunchmeat

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

@RitleySammich

I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.

@SarcasticSadOne

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.