It’s actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she’s not around to have it.

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Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead


[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.


I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.


All i’m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.


Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.


Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.


My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.


I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.


If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.