you know what ruined my childhood? children
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The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I am also baked goods
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath