FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
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Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
you have three unread messages
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation