It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
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Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”