Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

how much for the angry fruit?

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

Happy birthday to all the women

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

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It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.