It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
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Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.