It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
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Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
It will always be this
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.