It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
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Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band