It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
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as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”