It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
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Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
choose your fighter
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?