It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
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Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.