It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
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In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I didn’t come here to be called names
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.