It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
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He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party