It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
You Might Also Like
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.