It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
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neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.