It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
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I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Customize Your Wedding.