Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

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Expectations vs. Reality

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you