It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
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people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!