It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
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I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.