It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
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I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
time for some seasonal decor
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.