It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
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drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.