Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?

Me: You don’t either!

4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.