It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
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Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
philosophical skeletons be like
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
🍞🦆
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Priorities
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Big Sex has us all fooled
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*