It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
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A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*