It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
You Might Also Like
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
me linking you to my twitter
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
this is so top tier i cant
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.